Only 3 miles apart, I could be there in less than 6 minutes. But already 3 months apart, and even still probably oceans away.
Funny how being home causes this pain to seem even more real. I blame it on the distance (or lack thereof), also the association. In my new apartment I have created a place that holds very little association, so here at home, I’m in a place that carries a world of hurt, because it holds a world of memories.
I never want to see you unhappy, I thought you’d want the same for me.
My urge as I type this, the urge that came across me sitting on the couch less than an hour ago, is to get in my car and drive. I know where I want to go and I would drive straight there. I think that it would cure this feeling in my chest. The one that makes me feel like I can’t breath, the one that prevents me from eating, the one that is keeping the ‘Cheer’ out of me on this wonderful day. But still I know, or so my head tells me, it would not make anything better. You probably would not even talk to me, or so that is all that I can believe.
Today is a wonderful day and I know that. I have both my parents, together, and I am very grateful for that. My siblings are all happy and healthy. Family is important to me, but I find myself constantly keeping a distance between myself and them.
My dad told me tonight, “Heartache is a part of life, not a bad part of life, just a part of life”. Everyone goes or will go through this, I guess I knew I wouldn’t be an exception to the rule, just wasn’t prepared this.
I didn’t believe that you would never hurt me, but I did believe that you would never leave me.
It feels like someone died, this feeling is probably even worse. You are still very real to me, yet, I don’t think that I can smell you anymore, and I’m not sure that I can hear your laugh, I’m almost positive I can’t hear your voice, I still see your face but not nearly as often, you left me with a cold feeling and that seems to keep away your warmth as well, but knowing… that is what gets me. I know that you are there, and life has not changed that much for you, you still smell the same, your laugh, your warmth, and I have to know that they
are for someone else, and know that you have not even looked back.
Comfy socks and whistling, comfy socks to keep your feet warm and whistling to put a song in your heart.
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