The Fray - Look After You

Cheers!

Here are some pictures of us trying to take "The Stocking Picture".

As you can see in the picture below, I am trying to put on the pair of socks that my dad gave me. It is the only thing that I asked for, and I am so happy that I got them. They are my dads favorite pair... correction, were my dads.

Yes, that is me in the background and I am planting an Amaryllis.

Twiggy, cuddled in my stocking.

Comfy Socks and Whistling

Being home is harder than I anticipated… and I always expect the worse.

Only 3 miles apart, I could be there in less than 6 minutes. But already 3 months apart, and even still probably oceans away.

Funny how being home causes this pain to seem even more real. I blame it on the distance (or lack thereof), also the association. In my new apartment I have created a place that holds very little association, so here at home, I’m in a place that carries a world of hurt, because it holds a world of memories.

I never want to see you unhappy, I thought you’d want the same for me.

My urge as I type this, the urge that came across me sitting on the couch less than an hour ago, is to get in my car and drive. I know where I want to go and I would drive straight there. I think that it would cure this feeling in my chest. The one that makes me feel like I can’t breath, the one that prevents me from eating, the one that is keeping the ‘Cheer’ out of me on this wonderful day. But still I know, or so my head tells me, it would not make anything better. You probably would not even talk to me, or so that is all that I can believe.

Today is a wonderful day and I know that. I have both my parents, together, and I am very grateful for that. My siblings are all happy and healthy. Family is important to me, but I find myself constantly keeping a distance between myself and them.

My dad told me tonight, “Heartache is a part of life, not a bad part of life, just a part of life”. Everyone goes or will go through this, I guess I knew I wouldn’t be an exception to the rule, just wasn’t prepared this.

I didn’t believe that you would never hurt me, but I did believe that you would never leave me.

It feels like someone died, this feeling is probably even worse. You are still very real to me, yet, I don’t think that I can smell you anymore, and I’m not sure that I can hear your laugh, I’m almost positive I can’t hear your voice, I still see your face but not nearly as often, you left me with a cold feeling and that seems to keep away your warmth as well, but knowing… that is what gets me. I know that you are there, and life has not changed that much for you, you still smell the same, your laugh, your warmth, and I have to know that they

are for someone else, and know that you have not even looked back.

Comfy socks and whistling, comfy socks to keep your feet warm and whistling to put a song in your heart.

Apple & Twiggy!

Twiggy and Apple, these are my girls! Twiggy is the closest to the camera and Apple is the one in the back. They are 10 months old this week, both females, and they are litter mates.
I have had them since May and oh how I love them. I love them because they love me. I like to think that I take pretty good care of them, but they have really taken care of me the past couple of months. They are so much more than my pets.
They love to snuggle and root and around, in fact, they are amazing at tucking themselves in. They can get themselves so perfectly covered up in their blankets.. its amazing. When I let them sleep with me, they sleep underneath the covers, Twiggy is usually somewhere around my lap and Apple is always tucked perfectly underneath one of my arms. Twiggy is a dreamer, she whines and talks in her sleep all the time, but once she is asleep, she stays in that spot. Apple is restless and moves around about a million times in the middle of the night. I try not to let them sleep with me too much, usually once a week, but not always that often.
I have an electric heater in my bedroom and they thoroughly enjoy it. They get there bones and lay down right beside it. They like to be warm!
They listen to me pretty good, but they don't do that well when other people are around. We are working on it though.
They each just got a vest with furry hoods and they look so fabulous! I don't have pictures of them yet though.

This is the night that I got them and I was SO excited... pee your pants excited. I had not planned on getting two, but it felt right and it happened so perfectly.

This is one of my favorites of them, they love playing in the covers!

Family photo! They were so little!

Twiggy and Apple, you are my best friends!!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Going to a Knoxville Ice Bears game tonight! They play the Twin Cities Cyclones and it a guaranteed fight night. My friends that I am going with rented one of the group boxes, so were basically on the ice. I'm pretty excited.

Happier

I found this before I even started my day... and it made me feel happy inside.

Today's Emotion

Abandoned.

Is that an emotion?

Good days followed by bad days, followed by no sleep, followed by coffee, mmm... coffee, what a wonderful thing.

Things Shanna loves

A while back ago I did some "clearing out" of things that just didn't mean anything to me anymore... I briefly blogged about it, it had something to do with burning. Well, I use the word burning literally, I went through and incinerated certain things that I never wanted to see or read or be reminded of again.
In this "clearing out" attempt, I got rid of everything and I mean Ev-Re-Thing-Ga... with one little exception; a sloppy, hand written, seemingly insignificant note. But, come to find out, not insignificant at all, in fact it was in many ways momentous and increasingly meaningful (it is the one thing I kept). I think it could be chalked up as a moment of self actualization.
Something you should know about me is, I write everything down, maybe not everything, but lots of things, random things, thoughts, saying, things I never want to forget, moments that mean something to me and I don't want them to go unappreciated. I'm not very organized with this process yet, but it is something I do.
This note was titled, Things Shanna loves. And it went something like this, parenthesis, spelling errors, and all…

Tulips, African Violets, Shamrocks, Edamame, Romin, Sushi, Pirates, Fairies (Fae), Ballerinas, Tea ½ and ½ from Pals, Zelda on the Game Boy, Ms. Pac Man, Nora Jones, Elton John, GARDENING, Teva’s, Crab Legs, Stars, Scooters (Vespa), Dove Choc, Rasberry, blackberry, Soothing Naturals lotion, Purple, Flip flops, Sparrows, Shanna Cappacino, Choc Milk, “Just Married”, “Sex in the City”, Her two new puppies, Cozy Clothes, Blue Blanket (knitted), Beach

I did not write this list, someone else wrote this list. At the time, it was an attempt to show me that he “knew” me and that I meant something to him. Funny thing is, ironic thing really, and the thing that has meant the most to me is, he did not include himself on this list. I think I can actually say he got something right.
These are things I love, I loved them then and I love them now, I love them because they are me, and he has absolutely nothing to do with them. And that is a good feeling… a Great feeling.